Honesty in Marriage

Honesty in Marriage

Honesty in Marriage Accompanying Vlog

Honesty in Marriage

What happens if you find yourself in a marriage devoid of intimacy?  What can you do if you are in a sexless marriage and you really don’t see any way out of it?  What do you do after you have been reading books about marriage, learning about the opposite sex, learning strategies to better yourself, and much more, but all that effort produces no response from your spouse?  You want the marriage to be better and you do want to light the fire of passion and have it burn the house down so to speak.  Instead, you find that you are increasingly resenting your spouse as time goes by. It all culminates in the discovery that your spouse was not honest with you in marriage. What do you do?

Some would say to divorce your spouse and others would say to keep trying to make things better.  The problem with both approaches is that they produce more problems for the one trying to make the marriage better.  You have to bear the burden of trying to make things right whereas your spouse doesn’t seem to care about making the marriage better or that you are suffering.  What went wrong?  I’d bet that your spouse simply haven’t been honest with you in the marriage.

You were happy and in love when you were first married.  You thought that you gained a partner that would make you happy your whole life and you looked forward to enjoying life with your spouse. However, something happened that gradually moved the relationship into a marriage with little to no intimacy.  Something went horribly wrong and you just cannot figure it out?  You begin to wonder if you did something wrong and so you begin beating yourself up. Some may blame their spouse for what went wrong and begin beating him or her up so to speak.

One thing that can go horribly wrong in a marriage is dishonesty which leads to distrust.  The problem with this is that neither the husband or the wife may be aware that this has happened.  Being dishonest in a marriage relationship is like a weed growing in the lawn.  That weed will wreak havoc on the lawn if allowed to grow.  It will become more difficult to remove that weed as time goes by. The same is true for dishonesty in a marriage.  It may appear to be a good way to avoid conflict, but in the end it only produces problems and ultimately distrust in the relationship.

How does dishonesty occur in a marriage?  Dishonesty occurs simply when you are not honest or candid with your spouse about your feelings, goals, and issues.  You do not communicate your feelings, desires, or disposition when your spouse does something to offend you in some way.  Years go by and then suddenly all the offenses rises and are spewed out in hurtful words and actions like a volcano possibly offending your spouse.  Your spouse may be offended by the things you say, but ultimately he or she may become more offended because you never expressed those feelings as things were happening.  Instead you said nothing, thus being dishonest with your spouse.

Now your dishonesty has caused your spouse to distrust you.  Why not?  You have already shown him or her that you aren’t honest so, why should he or she trust you?  This state of things in the marriage regarding honesty and trust can sabotage a marriage and keep it from progressing regardless of how hard one or both try to make things better.  The marriage will always be in trouble as long as dishonesty and distrust exist within it.

So, what is the solution?  Be honest!  We are so used to being koi and avoiding the truth because of our politically correct and perhaps liberal society. Being dishonest with people can cause them harm.  What if you told your spouse that she makes you feel insignificant and how?  What if you told your husband that you don’t feel as though he loves you?  What if you were honest with your spouse? If you were honest with your spouse, then the weeds in the grass would have no chance to grow and would instead be plucked out as a little seedling. We like to wait until the weeds in the grass are the size of a tree and then we figure that we have to do something.  Even the Bible teaches us in Matthew 5 to resolve our issues quickly (Matthew 5:23-25).

It becomes increasingly difficult to repair or make better a marriage when dishonestly spawns distrust in your spouse.  Consider how your spouse would feel and respond if you were caught having an affair.  It wouldn’t matter what the circumstances were, only that you cheated and violated trust.  It would take a while to repair that trust assuming the opportunity was given (some couples call it quits for infidelity).  Being dishonest with your spouse is saying to him or her, “You shouldn’t trust me because I’m not telling you the truth.”  Start telling the truth.

There is a risk in honesty.  For example, telling your spouse your feelings were hurt by something he did may cause his feelings to be hurt due to feelings of inadequacy or the like.  Now both of you are offended. Someone must step above the situation and pursue resolution.  My personal belief is that both of you need to stop allowing your emotions to run and ruin your life.  Yes. Being honest is risky sometimes but isn’t your relationship worth that risk?  It’s always better to pursue resolution than to harbor hurt feelings and resentment.  Unfortunately, the latter is what many if not most couples do.

It will take a consistent effort from the husband and wife to repair a marriage that is suffering from distrust and dishonesty.  Distrust can still occur even if the current issue is resolved. If both do not commit to being honest with each other (respectively), then distrust will always creep up because of continued dishonesty.  Sit down once or twice a year and discuss your goals, plans, feelings, etc.  It is always better to relay things to your spouse as they happen and not wait until months or years later allowing your spouse to make his or her offending actions to continue.

Dishonesty will always thwart your efforts to have a happy marriage.  How can you be happy about your spouse and marriage if you don’t trust him or her?  You can’t.  You’ll always be wondering what she or he really thinks or really feels.  So always be honest with your spouse and avoid the issues that come from distrust that comes from it.  Communicate with your spouse.  Let him or her know what you like, don’t like, your dreams, etc.  Don’t wait for years to drop a bomb on your spouse because that will only cause resentment to be planted in their hearts.

Remember that you once loved each other passionately and that he or she is still a human being. Don’t assume negative things about your spouse.  If she seems argumentative, then don’t assume that she has something against you.  Instead, remember that you were both in love and just perhaps something else is bothering her that she can’t handle.  Instead of responding due to hurt feelings, love your spouse and help her with what is eating away at her.  Instead of condemning your husband as a bad man, consider that perhaps he is really suffering inside and don’t know how to handle it or what to do about it.  Perhaps he or she is overwhelmed or doesn’t realize that there is a problem.  Be the husband or wife that you promised to be on the wedding day. Stop going negative and choose to love him or her.  Be honest and avoid distrust. Work at a happy marriage as you work on yourself.  You’ll find your pursuit for a happy marriage to be that much easier.

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