There are still men who desire to be married, even though an increasing number refuse to get married. The former men date women, build relationships, and decide to propose to one. He believes she is the one and desires to spend the rest of his life with her.
The man becomes engaged with the woman of his dreams. Or at least he thinks that. However, shortly after the wedding day, he begins to notice things that concern him. During the marriage’s disillusionment phase, he discovers his wife’s characteristics, habits, and mindset that troubles him.
Romantic love gradually fades as he learns more about his wife. He tries to talk to her about it, but she follows a simple process that negates any possibility of resolution. She rebuts (e.g., “but you…”), makes it about her and has an emotional response along with excuses. The result of that process is the issues brought up by her husband never get discussed, dealt with, or resolved.
That is the making of an unhappy marriage, i.e., the continued existence of unresolved issues in the relationship. The husband begins questioning his decision years ago to propose to the woman he thought would love and be with him. Instead, he finds that he is married to someone else. He realizes that the person he married is not the person he is married to.
That is a common scenario in marriages for both men and women. A Wife discovers the man she married is not the man she is married to. How can this happen? Did his wife change that much after the wedding day?
In this article, I will present several things that make it appear that your spouse has changed, making you feel you are married to someone else. However, the objective of this article is to provide insight to help men who are considering marriage. Learn to take seriously the signs you see in the woman you are considering for marriage. That will enable you to increase the likelihood that you truly know who you will be married to.
Sometimes a man may build a relationship with a woman in a particular environment, e.g., school. He may build a relationship with a high school or college sweetheart, who he eventually marries shortly after graduation. He begins to see a different person than the one he fell in love with. Did she change?
Chances are, she did not change. He simply never saw her in a natural or everyday environment. He fell in love with the student version of his wife, but the real person was exposed shortly after the wedding. The discipline required for school no longer applies, and she is free to be herself.
His wife did not change necessarily. More of her true nature becomes exposed in her new environment. He married the student version of his mate but is married to the mere adult version of her. There are things about the adult version of his wife that he was unaware of and may not like.
Therefore, men should be aware that the marriage relationship will bring out different aspects of their spouse that they were unaware of while dating. Dating is a discovery phase of the relationship. Use it to learn the true nature of your mate. Attempt to know what their heart is. I think this is very important.
Sometimes, we are blinded by love, i.e., infatuation, and we neglect to consider certain demonstrated traits while dating. It is advantageous to consider things we learn about our mates while dating.
Don’t Ignore Characteristics and Habits While Dating
Marriage is a serious endeavor and should not be taken for granted. However, many people fail to properly prepare for marriage or qualify their mate as marriage material. They ignore things they notice about their mate while dating because of the high levels of romantic life.
If you determine that your mate is a negative person while dating, don’t ignore that. That negativity will only become more apparent after marriage. Whatever the characteristic, don’t ignore it. Factor that into your decision to propose.
Do not allow infatuation to blind you to the traits and habits you observe. Consider those characteristics when deciding to propose. Your objective is to learn as much about your mate as possible so you can make a wise decision about marrying them.
The Table: More Than Love
Romantic love is not a good reason to marry someone. Love will probably fade as time passes. Think about what your mate brings to the table when deciding to propose. If you want to marry a woman, for example, because she looks good and you are captivated by her, then think twice. Looks can change, but the person will only become more evident in years to come.
Ask yourself, “What does she bring to the table?” In other words, think about the value she brings to the relationship. The same applies to women when contemplating marrying someone. Marriage has components similar to a business. Each person will contribute to the relationship to fulfill it. Merely being good-looking is inadequate for that objective.
Consider what you want in a spouse and compare that with what your mate offers. Be sure to observe them carefully during the serious dating phase. Their true character will reveal itself the longer you are together.
Unfortunately, the typical process for marriage is the man proposes to the woman, and she says yes or no. However, the man won’t know who he married until after the wedding day. That is why it is so important to qualify her as much as possible before proposing.
One phenomenon that husbands experience is discovering an ulterior motive from their wives (and vice versa). He realizes she didn’t marry him because she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life. She wanted something that he offered.
I found that women may marry men because they want a moral environment to have children, a sense of protection offered by their husbands, home maintenance and lawn care services, or someone to lift heavy objects when necessary. In other words, she wasn’t interested in him but in what he offered.
Discovering ulterior motives after the wedding day can be devastating for the man. He is only desired for what services or support he provides. He finds that his wife isn’t interested in a long life together but in her own life with him available to support her.
An example is a husband who realizes he is married to his children’s mother, not the woman he thought he would share his life with, i.e., his wife. He thinks back over the years of how she did so many things. She is a good woman, but she never pursued an excellent marriage with him. She never worked hard on the relationship as she did other things such as her job, church, children, etc.
Therefore, be diligent in learning her true motives for marrying you. The same applies to women. Does your man want to marry you because he genuinely wants to spend the rest of his life with you as his partner, or does he want someone to wash dishes, raise the kids, do housework, etc.?
Listen to Friends and Family
Your mate’s friends and family know them much more than you do. Therefore, pay attention to the comments they make about them. For example, you might hear something like, “She’s always late” or “He never finishes anything.” Those are clues to your mate’s behavior and character.
You might even question them about their comments, but not with a detective vibe. You might say, “What. He’s not one for time management?” and see where the conversation goes. You need to know the fundamental character of your mate if you are thinking about marriage.
Even your friends and family may notice things you are blinded to because of infatuation. Listen to them.
Observe Their Parents
Another source of clues about your mate is their parents. After all, we learn marriage’s workings from our parents. We know how a man is supposed to interact with his wife, how the wife should treat her husband, etc. Consider how their parents interact with each other; you might know what your mate expects in marriage.
What values do the parents have? Those same values are probably ingrained in your mate. For example, if you see that their parents value education, your mate will probably do the same.
Pay Attention To Consistent Remarks
What are some remarks that your mate consistently makes? For example, she may make statements consistently that are pessimistic. That may indicate that your mate is negative about certain things or generally. Maybe they are not the person that will tend to encourage you or lift you after setbacks.
A negative person will typically think of ways something will not work instead of providing ideas that can lead to success. Perhaps they make statements indicating that they expect a wife to be a servant to her husband. Again, take those statements seriously when considering marriage.
Couples typically enter marriage with expectations of their spouse. It would help if you learned what those expectations are before even proposing. Learn what marriage means to your mate. Talk to each other about your overall picture of marriage. What does marriage look like to your mate, and explain to them what it looks like to you?
Consider seriously the things you learn about their expectations. Don’t allow love to blind you to the impact those expectations might have on the relationship if you were married. Factor those into your decision to pop the question or accept the offer.
After the Fact
What if you are married to someone already, and you are not happy about the relationship? You look back and realize many signs indicate what your wife is like. You ignored them. What can you do?
Some may opt to separate or divorce, whereas others may decide to stay in the relationship. Divorce may bring its own problems and may not be a great choice in some situations, especially when children are involved.
Divorce would not resolve the underlying problem if you had issues in the marriage. You may seek someone else and cause the same problems in that relationship. Therefore, divorce may not be a good solution.
Here are some steps you can take if you decide to stay in the marriage.
- Evaluate yourself and see how you may have contributed to the marital problem
- Communicate respectfully with your spouse
- Work to improve your marriage
- Ensure your own happiness
In some marriages, working hard to make it happy does not work. There may be things that are unreconcilable for different reasons. Those marriages may also end in divorce, even after decades of marriage. One or both decides to try and salvage their marriage to make a better life for themselves with someone else or reject marriage altogether.
I think the best approach is to improve yourself and your marriage. Do what you can to make things better. Don’t be quick to end it. However, everyone has limits; only we know when we have had enough. Only we know when there is no more hope, and we are no longer committed to the relationship.
Marriage requires a lot of work from the husband and the wife. However, many couples are unaware of that simple fact and enter marriage in complete ignorance. They think that love will see them through, only to discover that love will fail them.
The best way to increase the chances of a happy marriage is to get to know your mate before you propose or accept the proposal. No within yourself that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, given all that you know about them. Are they compatible with you and your goals?
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