Introduction
A complaint that many men have about marriage is that their wives refuse to have sex with them. Some men’s response to that is to effectively beg their wives for sex and affection in one way or another. For example, you might have heard of the man who mops the floor, washes the dishes, and even mops the roof in the middle of summer because he believes he will have sex with his wife.
Men devalue themselves by begging for something they should already receive from their wives, namely an emotional connection. Begging for sex gives their wives power over them because they’re enslaved by their own sex drive. When they do manage to get sex from their wives, it is more like being patronized or accommodated instead of her expressing love and affection.
In this article, I hope to convince men that they should never beg for sex from their wives and enlighten women about what sex means to their husbands and why they might be begging for it.
It Goes Both Ways
This article is from a man’s perspective, i.e., the husband. However, in no way am I suggesting herein that men are the only ones who beg for sex. Women also beg for sex from their husbands because of sexual rejection. However, it does appear that men complain about sex in their marriages far more than women.
Therefore, though this article is written from a man’s perspective, keep in mind that the issue also applies to wives.
The Sexless Marriage
The context of this article is a sexless marriage. One definition of a sexless marriage is when a couple has sex about 11 times per year or less. A healthy sex life is an indication of a healthy marriage. Therefore, sexless marriages should be taken seriously.
Men might beg their wives for sex because they aren’t getting any. The situation where the husband’s libido is much greater than his wife’s and he just can’t get enough sex is not in view here. Begging for sex is, therefore, a symptom of a sexless marriage, which in turn might be a symptom of unresolved marital issues.
Sex is God-given in Marriage
Before I get too far, let me make an important point about marriage from the Bible.
1 Corinthians 7:3–5 (NKJV) — 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
There are three critical points in the passage.
- Give your spouse the sex due them. That means giving your spouse sex is a decision.
- Your body belongs to your spouse
- Do not deprive each other sexually
The Apostle Paul recognized the importance of intimacy in a marriage. Sex is important and should not be neglected. It is an expected part of marriage. When the sex stops, the marriage begins to die.
Now, I understand that sex may stop for valid reasons, e.g., medications, injury, etc. However, that doesn’t mean that intimacy should stop. The couple can still be intimate and have sex the best they can, given their present situation.
The point here is that sex is vital in marriage and ordained by God. It is, of course, how humans procreate and how married couples maintain their bond. Without sex, a couple becomes roommates, or some say cellmates.
What His Begging Means
Why would a man demean himself by begging for sex from his wife? Begging is a way to get what sex provides, namely an emotional connection or the expression and reception of love, in addition to the pleasure it gives. He desperately wants his wife to love and accept him. He wants to feel desired and attractive to her. His begging means he feels disconnected from his wife and is trying to connect with her.
Interestingly, he begs for something he was promised on the wedding day, i.e., to be loved and cherished. He left his mother and father to be joined to his wife, but she doesn’t seem to want to be connected to him. That is a horrible feeling for a man, especially when it persists for years and decades.
His begging could also mean that he has a much more active libido than his wife, and he wants her to quench his sexual appetite more often. He is not necessarily trying to connect with his wife. Instead, he is merely trying to satisfy a physical need, i.e., consistently using his wife’s body for his own pleasure.
How Men Beg Their Wives For Sex
There are several ways that men beg their wives for sex. Sometimes the wife interprets his begging as always wanting to have sex. She doesn’t realize that he is begging to connect. Some examples of how men beg for sex follow.
- Consistent Groping: He just can’t keep his hands off his wife. The danger point is when he stops doing it. However, his groping could also mean the expression of affection.
- Outright asks for it: He consistently asks his wife for sex. He may say something like, “We have a few minutes. Why don’t we go upstairs before we go.”
- He uncharacteristically does housework: He thinks he can earn sex from his wife like a kid trying to earn gifts during Christmas. He may start washing dishes, sweeping, and doing other chores he usually avoids.
- Becomes chivalrous: He may start opening the car door, holding his wife’s seat for her to sit, etc.
- Start giving his wife gifts unexpectedly
I know that some women may argue that a man should help with the housework, hold the car door for her, etc. Those are ways that women receive love and affection from their husbands. They appreciate the chivalry and special treatment. I would then ask women what their corresponding actions are towards their husbands. How does a wife demonstrate love, respect, and appreciation for her husband?
The Double Standard
I must admit that men and women have a double standard. It is acceptable for a woman to refuse to have sex with her husband, but it is not acceptable that their husbands refuse the affection they want.
For example, a wife may refuse to have sex with her husband but expect him to cuddle with her, hug her, kiss and be kissed by her, hear him say ‘I love you,’ etc. It’s a big deal when the woman is deprived of what she wants from her husband.
I’ve watched online interviews and surveys where women are clueless about empathy for the man’s perspective. Some say it is the feminist movement that has brainwashed women. I don’t know. I realize, however, that a double standard gives women the advantage.
Sexual Frustration
Sexual frustration is the consequence of not being sexually fulfilled by one’s spouse. For example, a man wants sex from his wife, the woman he promised to love and who promised to love him. He also knows that he cannot ethically be sexually fulfilled by someone else. Therefore, he goes without the sex he wants as he sees his wife daily, sometimes in provocative circumstances, e.g., undressing for bed.
That frustration can morph into resentment, apathy, and hostility towards one’s spouse because of a lack of a connection. Remember, sex is more than a mere physical act; else, adultery would not be such a big deal. There is something deeper that happens when two people have sex. A husband and wife connect at a spiritual level (for lack of a better phrase).
Sexual frustration can damage relationships in other areas because of the ensuing resentment and apathy that develops over time.
Signs of Sexual Frustration
- You guessed it. Begging for sex is a sign of sexual frustration. Your spouse desperately tries to connect with you but is consistently unsuccessful.
- Your spouse spends less time with you. For example, the husband will spend more time at work, watching the ball games, studying, or anything else instead of spending time with you like he used to. His wife is a source of frustration, so he avoids her, even looking at her, so he doesn’t become aroused and disappointed again.
- Fewer talks, which is related to the point above. You may find that you and your spouse do not have deep and intimate conversations like you used to. Your spouse doesn’t engage when you mention a topic. You may think they don’t care, and you are probably right. It’s hard to have intimate conversations when intimacy is dying or dead in the relationship.
- Less affection. Would you hug a cactus plant or porcupine? It is difficult to be affectionate with someone that refuses to be affectionate with you. Therefore, if you notice that your spouse is significantly less affectionate and the marriage is sexless, they may be sexually frustrated.
- Seemingly distant. You might sense a disconnect from your spouse. They may seem cold towards you. That may signify sexual frustration if you have a sexless marriage.
- Decrease in “I love you.” It seems reasonable to expect romantic love to fade in a sexually frustrating marriage. Their romantic feelings for you will fade until you become roommates unless you do something about it.
The Flashes of Light and Dashed Hopes
Sometimes a man (or woman) may feel frustrated, unfulfilled, and unhappy about his marriage. He tries to do things to spice things up, improve himself, and learn how to make the marriage work. However, his wife doesn’t seem interested. She seems to go from day to day as if things are okay, or she is apathetic about her husband’s feelings about their relationship. He may even begin to think she doesn’t care about the relationship.
Sometimes something happens that makes him feel good, and he views his wife with a different mindset. He may have gotten a promotion on his job or a big contract for his business. His joy overshadows the issues in his marriage at that moment.
Unfortunately, the reality of his relationship hits, and that joy is overcome by frustration and unhappiness. His joy resulted from flashes of light, i.e., happiness from something outside his marriage. The joy fades over time, and, once again, he is in the midst of a sexless marriage begging for sex.
That process of joy and the returning unhappiness most likely exacerbates his displeasure with his marriage and wife. The flashes of light blinded him of his marital situation, and he allowed himself to hope. He thought things might turn around, only to have yet another reality check. Nothing has changed in his relationship.
He may feel more resentment whenever he experiences those flashes of light and dashed hopes. That would make achieving a happy and fulfilling marriage that much more difficult. Sooner or later, he may give up, resolving that it will never happen, which fuels even more unhappiness.
The Solution
Begging for sex from your spouse is not a good situation to be in. The human sex drive is a powerful force causing people to do anything to satisfy it. We should never take it for granted and assume that our spouse will always be there for us when we deny something so vital to marriage.
The obvious solution is to have sex with your begging spouse. Eliminate the need for his begging in the first place. We make compromises and sacrifices for many things in our lives but neglect our marriage and spouse for some strange reason.
Here are some things you can do to combat begging for sex.
Stop Begging For Sex
Stop begging your spouse for sex! Do not devalue and degrade yourself and put your spouse in power over you by begging for something you should already rightfully have. Begging reveals a level of low self-esteem.
Just stop begging. It’s terrible for you.
Communicate
Tell your spouse how you feel and how serious a matter the sexless marriage is. Some men complain that communicating with their wives is ineffective. She may think everything in the relationship is fine, and he simply wants more sex. She doesn’t realize the seriousness of the sexless marriage until it is too late. In any case, the first thing to do is communicate. It is impossible to have a fulfilling and happy marriage without talking to each other.
Work on yourself
Perhaps your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you because you usually smell bad or have very bad breath. Maybe she is no longer attracted to your body since you let yourself go after the wedding day. Are you well groomed?
Likewise for the wife. Are you as attractive as when your husband first met you, or have you let yourself go physically? Men are visual so how you look is important. That doesn’t mean you have to look like a model; I’m not talking merely about your body. Do you dress nicely or walk around the house in baggy or dirty clothes? Would your husband find you desirable? And vice versa. Exercise and eat right. Forge a strong and more attractive physique, something that your spouse will desire.
Also, try learning and doing more things. Perhaps you can be more of a handyman around the house (husband or wife).
Improve Yourself for Marriage
I think many couples get married with no idea what they are getting into. They are ignorant about marriage, making them vulnerable to issues arising later in the relationship.
Therefore, educate yourself about marriage. How can you be a good or better husband or wife? Don’t assume that your wife is the cause of your sexual frustration. Perhaps there is something you do to repel her, and vice versa.
Do you know your spouse’s love language, and if so, do you speak it? Do you avoid the things that annoy your spouse and tell them the things that annoy you? You improve yourself in other areas of your life, e.g., your job, sports, etc. Why do people neglect to improve themselves specifically for their marriage?
Work on Your Marriage
Many couples make the mistake of not specifically working on their marriage. They assume that everything will work after the wedding day. They soon experience issues that begin to drive them apart, and the lack of sex is a symptom.
Do you and your spouse date each other as you did before the wedding day? Do you find the time to be intimate? Do you prioritize the relationship? Most likely, you do not prioritize the relationship and don’t date each other like you used to. You don’t ensure that you look nice to your spouse like you did while dating. You’ve become complacent and are taking your spouse for granted by your self-apathy.
Therefore, do things to strengthen the marriage instead of pulling you apart. Work on your marriage!
Pray to God for Wisdom
I’ve already established that sex is a God-ordained part of marriage. Therefore, consult God when sex is lacking in the relationship. Pray about your marriage regularly. Pray that God would reveal the issues that plague the relationship. Hopefully, you and your spouse can work together to resolve them.
Don’t Be Ruled By Your Libido
Yes. Sex is critical in a marriage. However, it should not rule your life. If your sex drive controls you, an unquenched one may lead you down a dark path, e.g., infidelity. The Bible reveals this as having self-control, a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23).
However, even with self-control, we can sometimes fail. Remember what the Apostle Paul said earlier in 1 Corinthians 7:5. Satan will tempt you because of your lack of self-control resulting from a lack of due affection, i.e., sex. There may be times when you are in control, and there may be other times when you are vulnerable, i.e., in a weak state of mind.
The vital point here is to practice self-control, so you are not a slave to your sex drive. Sexual frustration can lead to many bad decisions, such as infidelity or treating your spouse with disrespect.
Ensure Your Own Happiness
Life is more than sex. Yes. Sex is vital to marriage and a powerful force for humans. However, the truth is that we can learn to live without it. I must admit that I believe divine intervention is required to live without it. In any case, do what you can to be happy and enjoy your life despite a sexless marriage.
Sometimes you may do all you know how to improve your marriage, but it all fails. Perhaps your spouse really doesn’t care, is in denial about marital issues, or is clueless about the condition of the marriage and your feelings. Don’t allow your spouse to have the power of happiness over you.
It’s sad when marriage becomes a source of pain and frustration. However, remember your vows and still work on your marriage. Be the best version of yourself possible. Do what is necessary to be happy and fulfilled, even if sex is not part of that equation.
For Wives
Wives are also part of the solution. After all, marriages involve a couple. Both should strive to establish a happy one.
Have Sex With Your Husband
I know that sounds somewhat cold. However, it isn’t if you compare it to other things you do, regardless of how you feel. Responsible adults do things that they don’t necessarily feel like doing. You make sacrifices for your employer, the church organization, and the children. However, the husband is abandoned to fend for himself.
Why can’t sex be a priority in your marriage? Why can’t you ensure your husband is taken care of as you do your children? I found it amazing how many men complained of their wives abandoning them after marriage, especially after children were born. It is so prevalent that men expect it and advise younger married men about the phenomenon.
So ensure you maintain intimacy in the marriage and take care of your man. Even the Bible says that the husband and wife should do that, as I highlighted previously.
I saw part of an interview where a woman said that a wife should not let her husband leave the house without emptying him. In other words, she should fulfill him sexually, so he is not tempted when he is away from her.
That reminded me of the movie “Fatal Attraction,” where the husband wanted sex before leaving for a business trip the next day, only to find the children in the bed with her. That led to his infidelity because he wasn’t empty and didn’t exercise self-control.
Therefore, having sex with your husband will help to protect him from the many temptations in the world.
Talk and Tell Him Why?
It is hard to believe that a woman doesn’t know that sex is important to a man, even if it isn’t to her. Why would she deprive her husband of something she knows he wants and expects without saying something?
Tell him why you avoid sex. You must know it bothers him. Don’t ignore it or pretend as if the issue doesn’t exist. Talk to him. He would at least know why, and he and you can make corrections in the relationship. So, talk to him.
Work on Your Marriage Too
Marriage involves a couple. If only one strives to create a happy marriage, the relationship will become lopsided. You should make an effort to establish a happy marriage too. Work on your marriage along with your husband.
Educate yourself about marriage the same way you educate yourself about other things you want to achieve. Your marriage should have a high priority and should not be neglected.
Conclusion
Begging for sex is a symptom of a bigger problem in a marriage. It means sex is absent from the marriage, i.e., sexless marriage, and therefore lacks an emotional connection. That is especially significant for men, given what sex means to us. You should not beg for sex. Work on yourself and your marriage, and pray to God for help.
Try to be empathetic towards your spouse regarding sex. The lack of sex may have a devastating effect on them. It surely does for men! They may feel you no longer love or desire them, and the relationship may go downhill.
Don’t beg for sex any longer. Ensure your own happiness. Hope that your spouse will be empathetic to your feelings. Be the best you can be; perhaps your marriage will turn around someday.
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First of all, there are just as many wives who complain about their husbands not wanting sex as the other way around. Usually, the reason a wife loses interest is that her husband uses her for his own sexual release and never puts any effort into giving her any pleasure. If the roles were reversed, would he stay interested? Of course not. I have been happily married for 30 years and we have never had this problem because my husband cares about me. He also knows that he’s not doing me a favor by helping clean his own house. That’s what adults do. He took care of his kids not because he wanted something from me but because they were his kids and they were just as much his responsibility as mine. Men who think they’re “begging for sex” by cleaning their own homes are pathetic. No wonder their wives aren’t attracted to them. Finally, I’m tired of hearing the old trope about sex being physical for men and emotional for women. Women experience the physical pleasure of sex just as much as men do. That’s just an excuse for lazy and selfish men to ignore their wives’ needs. This article makes me realize how blessed I am to have my husband. He’s the most wonderful man in the world. I feel so sorry for other women who have to put up with so much nonsense.
Marietta. Thank you so much for your comment. I love it when women provide their perspectives on an issue. However, keep in mind that not all couples are blessed the way you are. If there is one thing I hope I made clear either in this article or others, sex is much more than physical pleasure for men, and that’s why men react the way they do when they don’t get it from their wives. Since your marriage is seemingly a happy one, you may be unaware of the many struggles both men and women have in their marriages.
Men complain that their wives check out of the relationship by rejecting their husbands sexually and refuse to work and resolve the issues. It is a real problem. There are probably men and women who are seemingly pathetic and beg for sex. However, it is not sex they are begging for. In a husband’s case, he is desparately trying to establish a connection with his wife and is not getting it. He doesn’t know how to express what he really wants. His wife, like you said, think he just wants sex, when it is so much more. He didn’t have to get married if all he wanted was sex.
I can say confidently, based on my research and what I hear from men, along with my own experiences, that many men (and women) are not pathetic but have real problems in their relationships but don’t know how to resolve them.
I really appreciate your comments, but please don’t think of men as being pathetic and calling their real heart for their wives nonsense. Instead, why not share more of what you and your husband have done over the years to make it work so well? I love to hear stories like that. The entire My Hope in Marriage website is my expression of what I did to make things right between my wife and I, though there are still and will always be issues arising. Thanks again so much for your comment. I truly appreciate it especially gaining a woman’s perspective.
How can any woman who has given birth to children and is years older be as attractive as ‘when he first met you’? C’mon give her a chance man.
Ahh. Good question, Dan. Of course, as we get older (men and women), our attractiveness changes. The youthful look, toned muscles, etc., may go away. However, attractiveness is mostly presentation. For example, a very pretty woman with a great body could detract from her beautiful look by being ungroomed, smelly, bad attitude, etc. Therefore, a woman or man can remain attractive as they age by presenting themselves that way. Take care of your body and your health. Wear clothes that are presentable (as opposed to rags, dirty, holey, etc. Be as attractive as you can be without detracting from it. A woman could be attractive to her husband in later years by the way she dresses, how she acts, what she does (sensuality), etc. Attractiveness is not merely a look. Looks change. I don’t think anyone is as attractive in their later years as in their youth. However, we can be attractive for our age by deciding and doing so.
Now if a woman has children and lets her body go, i.e., doesn’t take care of her body, wears unattractive clothes, is not well groomed, etc. then she will become unattractive to her husband regardless of a naturally pretty face. It’s all about presentation of what you have at any age, which includes more than looks.
My wife had our first son 6 moths ago. She’s fat and saggy now but I constantly reassure her she’s beautiful. I constantly make advances and get rejected and I’m in good shape. I’m easily out of her league. But I don’t care. I love her. Yet she still rejects me. No matter what I do it’s not good enough. She won’t let me go down on her. Her kisses are mechanical and cold. She pulls away when making out. She stresses herself constantly. Makes no effort to take care of herself. She bitches and moans about almost everything. Her moods are bipolar. One minute she’s happy, next minute anything pisses her off. She talks to me like I’m a child, doesn’t matter what it’s about. Talking to her about our problems may work for a short while but she goes right back to her patterns. She doesn’t care if I read or pray with her. I can do everything she does and still not be stressed and still have desire to make love but all she does is reject me. And when we make love I just don’t feel like she has any actual real adoring passion for me. Of I text her sexy things or flirt with her she doesn’t respond. Even when I say I love you her response is generic. I feel like I’ve completely lost my wife in a lot of ways. I’ve even told her how ignored and rejected I feel and she just sat there and cried and nothing came of it. No follow up the next day. No nothing. Life just moved on. Meanwhile I’m doing everything I can to support her. Do things for her. Stay in shape. Make more money. Give her everything she wants. And I’m met with just being forced into being her rejected little worker drone. Even now as I type this I’m awake in bed next to her furious because I can’t sleep. I found this article and it was speaking straight to me. I needed to comment because I got nowhere else to turn. I’m so sick of hearing “suck it up and deal with it because that’s life”. Can you imagine if we gave women that response? I honestly want to just reject her and with old all affection so she knows how I feel. But it would kill me because I do love her. In previous relationships I was wanted so much more and I’ve never been so rejected in a committed relationship in my whole life. She used to not reject me much. Now it’s a lot and it’s gotten worse and I feel like I was baited into a marriage with a woman who only real wants me because I’m a nice and good guy who can take care of her. This isn’t the life I wanted to build with someone. I didn’t change, she did. And I’m getting really really sick of it. Angry and resentful and I hate it. It’s eating away at my soul.
Thanks for writing, Sean. Believe it or not, your situation is very typical. It does seem that women bait men into providing for them, and after the wedding day everything changes. It’s unfortunate but something that many men deal with. The fact that you continue to try to make things work is admirable. However, resentment will grow if there is no return on your efforts. There may come a time when you pull away from her, like many men do. I’m not saying divorce her but stop needing her in your actions. Above all, I believe you should take care of yourself. Pursue your dreams and things that fulfill you while at the same time working to improve your marriage. It is difficult, if not impossible, to improve a marriage if she is not interested.
She knows she has power over her as long as you keep “begging” and pursuing her. Don’t allow her to hold that power over you to control you in the relationship. I’m not saying abandon her or anything like that. However, stop allowing your desire for her give her power over you. It’s hard, but decide not to desire her and she will begin to realize that her power over you is shrinking. Then perhaps she will take you seriously and work at the marriage. Above all, once again, pursue your dreams and secure your own happiness and fulfillment.