The Problem

It is very rare to hear a man complain about his wife not helping him as I hear women complaining about their husbands not helping them, with dishes for example.  Men will complain about not having enough sex with their spouse, but not having enough sex is probably the symptom of a larger problem, namely, the two are not together and therefore not fulfilling their purpose in marriage.

When the husband and wife become caught up in the daily responsibilities of the household and live, the neglect to nurture their own relationship.  At this point, marriage becomes a functional union of responsibilities like co-workers on a job. There is no real intimate relationship, only functional relationship as all work to get the job done.  Instead of fulfilling the purpose of their marriage, they drift into a world of mere existence and survival.

The Purpose In Marriage

What is their purpose in marriage?  Well, we can look at a bunch of books and articles that highlight the duties and responsibilities of the husband and wife in a marriage. However, those may not build on the foundation presented to us from the creator of marriages.  Who is the creator of marriages and what is marriage all about?  The answer is readily found in the Bible in Genesis.

  • “Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” 27So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” – Genesis 1:26-28
  • “Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die. And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” – Genesis 2:15-18
  • “This is the book of the genealogy of Adam. In the day that God created man, He made him in the likeness of God. He created them male and female, and blessed them and called them Mankind in the day they were created.” – Genesis 5:1-2

Man (Adam – literally rosy, figuratively human) was created in the image of God and God created man as male and female.  The female was created so that the male would not be alone and so that he would have a helper.  What was she helping him with? Dominion.  Both the male and female (we commonly say, Adam and Eve, though they both were called adam) were in the image of God and had dominion over God’s creation. The woman was not called Eve until after the fall.  Before the fall Adam (the male) called her woman because she came out of man.

Not to get too deep into Bible study (I’ll present a more detailed article on this later), suffice it for me to say that Eve was created to be Adam’s helper.  The purpose of the wife was to help the man in what he was responsible for doing.  It was not the man’s responsibility or purpose to dominate his wife nor his wife to dominate him.

Marriage Consistent With God’s Purpose

Now we should ask ourselves if husband and wife relationships are truly consistent with God’s purpose for the man and woman.  Is the man doing what he is supposed to do and is his wife helping him do it, or rather, doing it with him?  This highlights the concept of togetherness in a marriage.  In many cases you do not see the husband and wife working together, but rather working separately on separate things.  The wife isn’t helping her husband and is otherwise uninvolved with what he does.  One of the things that a man wants is for a wife to be his partner, i.e., someone to be involved in what he does and work closely with him.  Without this, the marriage is not consistent with what appears to be God’s design for marriage.

Wives Should Help Their Husbands

Wives should be helping their husbands.  Helping does not mean to go to the store for him, fix is favorite dinner, or running errands for him.  Those things are great, and he would appreciate them very much, but deep in his heart, he wants a woman that is by his side working with him, consulting him, and encouraging him.  Now, there are men who want to marry their “mother” so to speak.  They want a wife that will fix his food, wash his clothes, keep his house clean, etc.  I’m not referring to those types of guys, even though they still would want a woman by their side.  I am referring to a man that has purpose, is doing something, and wants a woman to do it with him.

The Connection Between Husband and Wife

A husband feels connected to his wife when she is with him and therefore an integral part of his life.  She is not a roommate fixing meals and cleaning house, but rather, a partner working together to accomplish a vision.  They become successful and increasingly bound to each other at the level of the soul.  They become soulmates instead of being roommates or cell mates.

A man is not going to analyze himself and conclude that he wants a helper to be an integral part of his life.  These things are deep down in his soul, which he may not fully understand or be consciously aware of.  If we take a hint from the Bible, then wives would be very sensitive about working with their husbands. Before getting married to a guy, the woman would be sensitive to ascertain whether the man she likes is marriage material.  Is he someone that has a vision for his life and is working towards that so that she can get on board with him and do it with him?

When the Husband Follows the Wife

Very bad things can happen in the relationship when the husband follows the wife and neglects to pursue his own purpose.  This is not to say that women cannot be leaders such as CEOs of a corporation.  Women can do whatever they want because they were made in the image of God and can accomplish stellar things.  However, in marriage, the husband should be the head of the wife and the wife his companion and helper.  This is why it is so important to establish compatibility when considering marrying someone.  The wife should have compatible goals with her husband, which will make it natural and easy for them to work together fulfilling the husband’s purpose, which is really now their purpose, i.e., the purpose of the union.

If the husband is lazy, ineffective, irresponsible, or whatever such that he does not operate as the head of the wife, then naturally the wife may step up and make things happen herself.  Again, the problem is that the vision that he has will go undone.  However, one day he may “wake up” and begin to pursue his vision, but the wife is used to being the head now.  This is when conflict occurs because the wife may not want to relinquish her position in the family as head because she may not trust her husband to continue to be head.

The wife is not the cause of the problem here because she did what she had to do to keep things moving.  It is the husband who failed to do what he was supposed to do that causes conflict in the marriage that may result in other issues in the relationship.

Yes.  The wife should help her husband, but it is the husband’s responsibility to give her something to help him with.  If he is doing nothing then her inclination to help will be diverted elsewhere (even to another man, her boss, her church, etc.), leaving her husband behind thinking that his wife doesn’t want him or the like.  Husbands must be responsible to God and to their wives.


Wives.  It is very important to help your husband do whatever he is called to do or whatever he is passionate about.  Husbands, it is important for you to pursue your vision and work towards accomplishing it and be willing to let your partner, your wife, in on the action so to speak.  Then your marriage can grow as you grow closer together in a lasting, as well as a functional, bond.

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