One day before I was married, my soon-to-be wife, Carla, asked me what I expected/wanted in a marriage.  I told her that I wanted togetherness and understanding.  Of the two, togetherness was and still is the most important thing to me.  However, as the years went by, I found that togetherness was an elusive thing.  I did not feel that my wife and I were really together in the way that I thought of togetherness.

Togetherness is the deep connection between the husband and wife that manifests itself in the decisions made and actions taken.  Therefore, I pursued togetherness in my own marriage and in the process learned a lot of things, which I will share with you in this article.

What is Togetherness

Togetherness is the deep connection between the husband and the wife at the heart level, which influences how they interact with each other, what they do for each other, and how they function together. A couple that merely functions well together is not necessarily a couple that is together at the heart level.  Functionality in a marriage relationship is superficial when compared to togetherness.

A husband and wife that are together will have a deep emotional connection with each other. They do work together, talk with each other, help each other, minister to each other, have intimate times, e.g., sex, and genuinely share life together.  A couple that is together is deeply connected to one another and manifests “one flesh” in marriage as revealed in Genesis 2:24.

Genesis 2:24 (NKJV) — [24] Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Here are some traits of a couple who are together.

  • They know each other very well
  • They have an intimate emotional connection
  • They spend time talking about life issues, challenges, plans, etc.
  • Their marriage has a high priority
  • They are friends with each other
  • They speak about “us” and “We” routinely
  • They work together on home projects, a business, religious activities, etc.
  • They support each other
  • They journey through life together

You might say that a couple that is together are soul mates.

What Does Togetherness Look Like?

A husband and wife who are together will cling to each other and nothing will get between them.  They will be involved in each other’s life.  They are not only going to do their respective responsibilities within the household, e.g., wash dishes, clean, take out the trash, pay the bills, etc., but they will be deeply involved with each other, such as deep conversations, helping each other, assisting each other in accomplishing their goals, lots of intimacy, and more.

I also believe that a couple that is truly together will be intimately involved in each other’s spiritual life. They may read or at least discuss the Bible together, pray together, minister to each other, encourage each other, and more.  Intimacy is an important part of togetherness.  Intimacy involves more than sex, though sex is an important part of a marriage relationship.  The key here is that their lives are intertwined.  Think of one flesh living from day to day.

A husband and wife that are together will be involved with what the other does.  The husband will be involved with his wife’s business endeavors or projects and vice versa.  They will be supportive of each other in the things they do.

You might have noticed that intimacy is a big part of my idea of togetherness. A couple that is together is intimate with each other.

More Than Knowledge and Function

Togetherness is an intimate connection that transcends a functional one. Two people can be functionally together, but not emotionally. They may know a great deal about each other and use that knowledge within the relationship.  However, they live separate lives. The wife accomplishes her responsibilities and the husband, his. However, they are not walking together. They just work together like coworkers or live together like roommates. A couple that is together is soul mates.

A good illustration is a couple that has been together for decades. The bills are paid, the children were raised and now on their own, the home is maintained, etc. However, the couple rarely shares intimate moments with each other. They rarely talk about their relationship, goals, desires, etc. They live separate lives and get along with each other, but they are not connected.

How to Achieve Togetherness

Togetherness is achieved when the couple truly wants to be emotionally connected to each other. They want to share their lives with each other in marriage and then get things done as a couple. They give a high priority to their relationship.

Honest communication is a vital step in establishing and maintaining togetherness in a marriage.  A couple will talk to each other about their respective passions, fears, and much more.  Their conversations will be intimate in that they will involve more than who will pay the mortgage, pick up the kids, what to pick up from the store, etc. They will get to know each other at a very deep level.

Being together is more than sharing household chores and raising children.  It is an intimate connection with each other. For example, If the husband starts a business, the wife will help and support him, and vice versa. Togetherness goes beyond functionality. It is a heart-level intimate connection between the two.

Pursue togetherness.  Be aware that God established marriage as a union between a husband and wife to form one flesh.  Pursue that condition of being one flesh. Be conscious of the emotional state, passions, fears, and goals of your spouse.  Don’t interact with your spouse merely on a functional level, but instead learn to be intimate with your spouse so that you can be joined at a deeper level.

Pursue God together.  There is nothing more powerful than the word of God in a Christian’s life.  The word of God affects all aspects of our lives: spiritual, intellectual, and physical.  Therefore, a couple that is truly together will pursue God and His kingdom together.  They will have Bible studies or discussions sometimes. They will pray with and minister to each other.


Togetherness is very important in a marriage relationship.  A couple that is together can accomplish great things well beyond mere functional effectiveness.  A couple that is together will grow in their faith and become very successful in what they do because of their pursuit of God and his kingdom.  Intimacy will be a significant fruit of the relationship and they will be in tune with each other.

A couple that is together is soul mates because they are joined at a deep level. Their relationship will grow and become increasingly intimate as the union is strengthened continually.  The husband and wife will rarely feel alone, rejected, neglected, or taken for granted by their spouse.

Togetherness is vital for a happy and fulfilling marriage in my opinion.

Free Ebook: What Happens to Love In Marriage

Get your free copy of "What Happens to Love in Marriage?" Learn the path that love takes in a marriage and how you can nurture it to produce the loving, happy, and fulfilling marriage that you desire to have.

What Happens to Love in Marriage Opt-in