One day before I was married, my soon to be wife, Carla, asked me what I expected/wanted in a marriage.  I told her that I wanted togetherness and understanding.  Of the two, togetherness was and still is the most important thing to me.  However, as the years went by, I found that togetherness was an elusive thing.  I did not feel that my wife and I were really together in the sense that I mean it.  Togetherness is something that occurs in the heart and then it manifests itself in the decisions we make and the actions that we take.  Therefore, I pursued togetherness in my own marriage and in the process learned a lot of things, which I would like to share with you in this article.

What is Togetherness

Togetherness is the connection between the husband and the wife at the heart level, which influences how they interact with each other, what they do for each other, and how they function together. A couple that functions well together is not necessarily a couple that is together at the heart level.  Functionality in a marriage relationship is superficial when compared to togetherness.

Togetherness is a binding condition of the heart between the husband and wife.  They have a deep concern (love) for each other.  They do work together, talk with each other, help each other, minister to each other, and truly share life together.  A couple that is together is deeply connected to one another and are truly “one flesh” as revealed in Genesis 2:24.

Genesis 2:24 (NKJV) — [24] Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

What Does Togetherness Look Like?

A husband and wife who are together will cling to each other and nothing will get between them.  They will be involved with each other’s life.  They are not only going to do their respective responsibilities within the household, e.g., wash dishes, clean, take out the trash, pay the bills, etc., but they will be deeply involved with each other, such as deep conversations, helping each other, assisting each other in accomplishing their goals, lots of intimacy, and more.

I also believe that a couple that is truly together will be intimately involved in each other’s spiritual life. They may read or at least discuss the Bible together, pray together, minister to each other, encourage each other, and more.  Intimacy is an important part of togetherness.  Intimacy involves more than sex, though sex is an important part of a marriage relationship.  The key here is that their lives are intertwined.  Think of one flesh living from day-to-day.  One flesh (from Genesis 2:24).

A husband and wife that are together will be involved with what each other does.  The husband will be involved with his wife’s business endeavors or projects and vice versa.  They will be supportive of each other in the things they do.  Ideally, a married couple would work together in a business or ministry that they decide to start.  The wife will be the husband’s helper as described in Genesis 2:18).

Genesis 2:18 (NKJV) — [18] And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

A married couple will pursue the kingdom of God together because God is an integral part of their relationship.  They will comfort and encourage each other when they have a bad day, become discouraged, have challenges at work or personally, etc.

How to Achieve Togetherness

Honest communication is the first step to establish and maintain togetherness.  They will talk to each other about their respective passions, fears, and much more.  Their conversations will be intimate in that it will involve more than who will pay the mortgage, pick up the kids, what to pick up from the store, etc. They will get to know each other at a very deep level and from there, they can begin to help each other.

Get involved with what your spouse is doing and help each other.  Being together is more than sharing household chores and raising children.  It is an intimate connection with each other that causes you to work with or help your spouse in the things that your spouse is doing.  If your husband starts a business, then as far as the wife is concerned, she will help him start it and work with him in some capacity in it.  This particular scenario is quite important if we consider the headship of the husband.  The husband will likewise work with his wife and help her if she wants to start a business.  They will always be working to edify each other.

Pursue togetherness.  Be aware that God established marriage as a union between a husband and wife forming one flesh.  Pursue that condition of being one flesh. Be conscious of the emotional state, passions, fears, and goals of your spouse.  Don’t interact with your spouse merely on a functional level, but instead learn to be intimate with your spouse so that you can be joined at a deeper level.

Pursue God together.  There is nothing more powerful than the word of God in a Christian’s life.  The word of God affects all aspects of our lives: spiritual, intellectual, and physical.  Therefore, a couple that is truly together will together pursue God and his kingdom.  They will have Bible studies or discussions sometimes. They will pray with and for each other.  They may anoint each other with oil or lay hands on each other when illness comes.  They will build a relationship with God as a couple being one flesh.


Togetherness is very important to a marriage relationship.  A couple that is together can accomplish great things well beyond mere functional effectiveness.  A couple that is together will grow in their faith and become very successful in what they do because of their pursuit of God and his kingdom.  Intimacy will be a significant fruit of the relationship and they will be in tune with each other.

A couple that is together will be as one.  Their relationship will grow and become increasingly intimate as the union is strengthened continually due to their involvement in each other’s lives.  The husband and wife will never feel alone, rejected, neglected, or taken for granted by their spouse.  They will be bound together by a deep connection at the heart and it will show in the things they do from day-to-day.