I wrote this article for wives who wonder why their husbands look at other women. For example, a husband and wife may be at a restaurant, and a woman catches the husband’s attention. His wife may notice that he looks at other women frequently. What does it mean?
In this article, I will address a specific context of why men look. The context here involves more than what I described above, but also him seeking images online, in magazines, while he is out and about, in church, and more. Why does he seem to pursue other women when purportedly happily married?
The articles online are interesting, especially those written by women. As expected, many of those articles take the stance that the man is doing something wrong and needs correction by his wife. I would dare say that such is usually not the case. Married men look at other women for specific reasons. I will present some of the more common reasons that it happens and then move to a more pressing concern in a marriage that I did not find much attention was given in the articles I read.
I should mention that this article is from a man’s perspective. Though it is written from the perspective of a husband’s relationship with his wife, the topic covered could be reversed where the wife looks at other men.
Common Reasons For His Roaming Eyes
The following are common reasons why men look at other women. An example of his looking is as described previously. His eyes follow a woman that he sees even while he is with his wife.
- It is natural. Some pointed out that men can’t help it, which I don’t totally agree with. However, it is natural for anyone to look at something they deem attractive, strange, different, etc. Men look at other women because they simply attract us. It is natural for a man to glance at a woman that passes by, even if he is with his wife. However, self-control dictates that he should not stare at her and follow her unless something else is going on. We’ll get to that later.
- He is admiring something that is physically attractive to him or different. If a man has a penchant for women’s backsides and a woman comes into view with a big one, he is likely to notice her and immediately be attracted to her. It could also be that he finds her generally beautiful (her hair, dress, walk, smile, etc.) and looks to admire her as one would admire a sunset or beautiful scenery. His just admiring something that looks good to him.
His looking does not mean he doesn’t like his wife or that she thinks she is unattractive (unless she is unappealing to him. More on that later). Let me give you an example. Let’s say a man drives a Ford F-150, and he loves it. However, while driving one day, he notices a Ram 1500 truck and admires it. Does that mean he doesn’t like his truck? Does it mean he wants the Ram? No. It simply means that he admires the Ram truck.
- She is being seductive. She may have a seductive dress, pants, or blouse which catches his attention. I should point out that he may also look in disgust depending on how he feels women should be dressed.
- His wife is looking at her. He notices his wife looking at something behind or beside him. He looks and discovers a woman walking by. “Why is my wife looking at her?” He wonders. She might be wearing provocative clothes or somehow different, e.g., very tall, large breasts, etc.)
All of the above reasons why a husband looks at other woman does not necessarily indicate negative feelings towards his wife if all he does is look and nothing else is going on in his mind. That last point is important. We all look at things we find attractive. For men, one of those things is women.
I should point out that it doesn’t mean that husbands should stare and follow women either while with or without their wives. Self-control should be exercised; else, we would have whiplash as we try to look at women in our view. It is also a matter of respect for his wife that he does not give excessive attention to another woman, especially if he does not give the same or more attention to his wife.
My point here is husbands who look at other women may mean nothing. He’s just looking or glancing. Staring at women or excessively looking at other women may indicate an issue with the marriage and his perception of his wife. Let’s discuss that now.
Something Is Wrong With the Relationship
A husband may look at other women because he is unhappy with his marriage. Another context of husbands looking at other women involves pursuit. He looks for opportunities to observe other women. Those opportunities include being in public (with or without his wife), online, porn, and print publications.
A husband in an unhappy marriage may look at another woman for several reasons.
- He is sexually unfulfilled by and unhappy with his wife.
- He is bored with his wife.
- He fantasizes about a woman who loves him, admires him, and respects him.
- He doesn’t feel loved, desired, or respected by his wife and pursues another woman to meet his needs.
- He wants sexual stimulation, which he doesn’t get from his wife.
Those reasons may indicate a problem with the marriage, particularly his perspective of his wife. Let me discuss those points in detail.
Men want to have sex with their wives. It is how we emotionally connect with them. Without sex, obtaining and maintaining an emotional connection becomes problematic, especially without intimate conversations.
He, therefore, looks at other women, fantasizing about what it might be like to be sexually desired by a woman (the way he wants to be desired by his wife). He imagines what it would be like if she did seduce him and how it would feel to have sex with her. His moral compass prohibits him from pursuing the woman. However, he still fantasizes about how it would be if he were fulfilled sexually by the other woman, even if he imagines her.
Bored in the Relationship
It is easy for marriages to fall into boredom because of the daily responsibilities and pressures. Life becomes a predictable routine with little to no excitement or novelty. He becomes bored with his marriage and wife (as she may also become bored with him).
Looking at other women is a crude substitute for some excitement to eliminate boredom. Again, he may fantasize about having sex with another woman, even if she is imaginary.
He Doesn’t Feel Loved, Desired, or Respected by His Wife
A man in a bad marriage must deal with everyday stresses (his job, home maintenance, etc.) and the stress of a bad relationship with his wife. He dreads coming home to unfulfillment and the source of much of his anxiety, i.e., his marriage.
He may fantasize (even dream) about being in a relationship with a woman that loves, respects, and desires him. He fantasizes about coming home to a beautiful, well-maintained home (his castle) and a wife who wants to jump on him when he gets home. He copes with a bad marriage by creating a fantasy world in his mind, which causes him to gaze at other women he deems attractive.
Some things that may trigger his unhappiness in the marriage are as follows (in this article’s context).
- Lack of sex with his wife
- Lack of respect from his wife
- His wife prioritizes the children and other things above him.
- Lack of sensuality in the marriage
- Little intimate time together
- She is no longer the woman he admired in the past.
- She hasn’t kept herself looking good to him.
- She doesn’t pursue him like she used to.
- His perception of his wife’s attitude toward him is negative.
The fact that a husband looks at other women does not mean he is not attracted to his wife. He may very well be very attracted to her. He wants to be stimulated by his wife. That stimulation tends to make him feel alive. However, she typically does not engage him sexually or sensually, and he begins to adapt. For example, he may gaze at her lying in bed with only her panties on, but in his mind, he knows his advances will be rejected. He begins to train his mind that his wife is off limits and someone he can’t have.
After years of rejection, he begins to avoid being stimulated by his wife the same way his wife feels he should avoid being stimulated by other women. He may give up on the prospect of being intimate with his wife and start pursuing other women.
He is Truly Pursuing Another Woman
There may come a time in a bad marriage when the husband has had enough of being rejected, disrespected, and more by his wife. He is tired of being miserable in an unfulfilling marriage. For example, he gets tired of living with a wife who cares more about the children and her job than him. He begins to look elsewhere for the fulfillment he craves.
His pursuit may involve a more intimate relationship with someone where he works. It may include fantasies about porn or anything where he can escape the negative feelings of a bad marriage. That may also include drugs and alcohol.
Of course, pursuing another woman can lead to infidelity, which may lead to adultery. I do not condone cheating in marriage, but the reasons for it may be evident. The wife neglects her husband’s needs in the relationship, and he drifts elsewhere to get those needs met (or vice versa). Infidelity could be avoided if the husband and wife prioritize meeting each other’s needs.
He is Not Sexually Stimulation by His Wife
He wants to be sexually stimulated by his wife and for her to want to do it, but he doesn’t get it. Being sexually stimulated by his wife may make him feel alive, i.e., like a man. He wants to connect with his wife. However, if she consistently rejects him and his sexual needs go unmet, he may look to someone else for that stimulation.
That stimulation may come from a female coworker or someone he knows and is in close contact with. Being sexually aroused by the other woman helps him cope with a sexless marriage.
In this context, the solution is simple. Shore up the marriage. Wives, pursue your husbands. Make him feel sexually desired and fulfill him as best you can. Do not neglect the importance of him emotionally connecting with you through sex. Work on marriage to keep things interesting, exciting, and fulfilling.
He is going to look at other women. However, mitigate the need for him to look because he is not being fulfilled at home by his wife.
Also, communicate. If his looking at other women genuinely bothers you, tell him. Some articles I’ve read suggested that the wife confront their husband about him looking at other women. I don’t recommend that unless he is gazing for a long time at women. His desire to not hurt your feelings may not result in a truthful answer.
Wives should, therefore, consider the state of their marriage and their part in getting it to that point, whatever condition it may be in. Do you make yourself attractive to your husband, or do you always wear rags around the house and flannel pajamas at night? Do you pursue your husband and initiate intimacy with him? Where does he stand on your priority scale?
A good and fulfilling marriage requires both husband and wife to work at it. Don’t neglect each other and purposely work to make the relationship great. Doing that could eliminate the need to look at and fantasize about other women. He will still look, but not to be stimulated or obtain something he doesn’t get from his wife.
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