It is easy for a married couple to become detached from each other. They are usually very much attached to each other at the beginning of the marriage. They do almost everything together. This stage of the marriage is typically the honeymoon phase. However, as time goes by, routines develop, and the grind of day-to-day life sets in, the couple begins to unknowingly drift apart.
It could take years before the couple realizes that they are not connected to each other and life has become a series of duties and responsibilities. They don’t play together, shop together, have regular sex, or otherwise connect with each other as they once did. They have become roommates instead of soul mates. The interesting things is that this detachment from your spouse could be avoided. There are things that you can do to ensure that you remain connected with your spouse so that your marriage would grow into its full potential.
In this article, I propose ways that you have become detached or disconnected from your spouse in the first place and what you can do to get connected again. The path is not an easy one because it probably took years for you to become disconnected from your spouse and then to drift further apart from each other. Therefore, it will take a determined effort, patience, and time to reconnect with your spouse. So, let’s get started.
You Don’t Have Sex Anymore
I placed this first because it is actually more of an indicator of the state of the marriage than merely not having sex to connect. If a couple doesn’t have sex often then that means something is awry in the marriage in most cases. Having sex with your spouse is the ultimate way of connecting physically and emotionally with him/her, and without it, the fruits of that connection become lost and the marriage will suffer.
The solution is not to merely have more sex, but rather to be aware of the state of your marriage relationship and take action as needed. A healthy sexual relationship with your spouse is a good indicator of the state of the marriage, so if sex wanes, then try to determine why and fix the root cause. Having passionate sex with your spouse is a great indicator of a healthy marriage, so keep an eye on your sex life and work to resolve issues that hinder a healthy sex life with your spouse.
You Connect With Social Media Instead of Your Spouse
It is very interesting to see people sitting next to each other and most are focused on their tablet or smartphone to engage with social media, e.g., Facebook. If you neglect your spouse so that you can engage social media, then you are slowly disconnecting from your spouse and causing them to disconnect from you. Why should your husband continue to try to connect to you or engage you when you choose social media over him, for example?
Make it a priority to connect with your spouse when the opportunity presents itself. Don’t allow your spouse to join you in a room and you continue to engage in social media. Put the tablet down and talk to your spouse, smooch with your spouse, pray with your spouse, minister to your spouse, etc. Your relationship will benefit from this prioritized connection.
You Watch Too Much Television
Instead of connecting with your spouse, you choose television shows instead. You would rather watch the television instead of spending quality time with your spouse. Again, your spouse will begin to adjust to this constant rejection and start to pull away. Your television addiction will cause you and your spouse to drift further apart and become disconnected from each other. Many divorces occur because the couple drifts apart until they don’t want to be with each other (because they are really not with each other being disconnected).
Turn off the television and talk to your spouse. Do things together during the times you would watch television. It’s simple. Establish within your heart that your marriage is more important than having to watch television so much. Stop rejecting your spouse for the TV!
You Play Computer Games Too Much
How much time do you spend playing computer games/apps instead of spending quality time with your spouse who is with you (e.g., in the same room as you in the house)? You may not realize it, but if you ignore your spouse to continue to play computer games, then you are telling him or her that the game is more important than he/she. I’m not saying that you have to stop playing your game every time your spouse comes near. We all want to have fun sometimes. However, if your rejection of your spouse is consistent, then you are causing a disconnection between you and him/her.
Get away from the game sometimes to spend time with your spouse. If your spouse enters the room and seems to want to just hang out, then stop what you’re doing and hang out with him or her. End your game and engage your spouse. Connect with him emotionally, physically, spiritually, or intellectually. It’s important and sends a message stating that your spouse is very important to you.
You Are Always At Church
It is very easy to disconnect from your spouse by being too involved in church activities. You will leave your spouse behind, so to speak, if you are constantly going to church meetings, services, and church events at the expense of spending quality time with your spouse.
Just say no! Your relationship with God is not determined by how active you are in a religious organization. It’s interesting that in the Bible we see marriage used as an illustration for our relationship with God. A marriage relationship should have priority above mere religious duties and it is up to you to ensure that is enforced. Spend time with your spouse instead of church things so much.
You Don’t Connect With Your Spouse Spiritually
How often do you and your spouse read and study the Bible together? How often do you and your spouse talk about things you’ve learned from your own Bible studies? How often do you pray together with your spouse or minister to each other? If you do not connect with your spouse spiritually then you are truly disconnecting from your spouse. There is much more to life than physical and mental. There is a spiritual side of life that we must nurture, especially in our marriage relationships.
Spend time reading the Bible together or discussing Scripture. Spend time ministering to each other especially when your spouse is going through challenges (e.g., work problems). Spend time involving the Lord in your marriage instead of operating in a merely carnal or worldly fashion. Build that spiritual connection purposely and you will find an extremely deep connection with your spouse that would be otherwise impossible.
You Don’t Engage Your Spouse
Humans are interesting in that sometimes we don’t come out and say what we want, but instead, are coy hoping to get a response from our spouse. This desire to get a response is probably a way of gauging the feelings of our spouse towards us. For example, if your husband makes a statement like, “I want to start a newspaper” or “I want to quit my job” and you do not respond, then your spouse probably perceives that you are not listening or really don’t care about what’s going on with him.
Engage your spouse. Respond to his or her seemingly innocent statements. Acknowledge their feelings when they expose them, even if just a little (especially men). This will help your spouse to know that you are indeed connected to him/her and that you care about what is going on in their personal lives (i.e., your spouse is not merely a resource in the relationship).
You Don’t Acknowledge That There Is A Problem
A deadly blow to the success of a marriage relationship is when the husband, wife, or both do not acknowledge that there are problems in their marriage. They avoid talking about the tough issues that have developed over the years. They may fear or don’t want to deal with the emotional response they think they will get from their spouse, so they don’t say anything while the problem continues to get worse.
Talk to each other even about the tough issues and especially about problems that you are experiencing in the marriage relationship. Your spouse may not be aware that you are having a problem. Don’t respond emotionally to the issues that are raised, but instead deal with the issue itself. Emotional responses hinder the resolution of real problems between the couple. So stay objective even if your feelings are hurt because you will find that resolving these issues and perhaps resulting conflicts will contribute significantly to reaching the full potential of a happy marriage.
You Work Too Much At Home
Spending too much time working at home is a sure way of disconnecting from your spouse. How can you spend quality time with your spouse when you are working all the time? Realize, however, that your spouse may be sacrificing “free time” now for the benefits of liberty later. However, there should always be time to put aside to spend with your spouse.
Establish a cutoff time for your work at home so that you have time to spend with your spouse and children if you have some. If possible, don’t bring work home from your day job as a normal thing to do. Manage how much time you spend working at home so that you have more time to enjoy your life and to spend with your spouse and children.