Introduction

Wives.  Do you know what happens to your husband when he is constantly rejected by you?  I am convinced that if you knew what happens to your husband and subsequently to your marriage relationship when you constantly reject him, then you would ensure that you accept him, especially sexually and, of course, within reason.  I would like to share with you, wives, what happens to your husband when you constantly reject him and how that eventually will affect your marriage.

Wives may have no idea that she is rejecting her husband and what it does to him.  He may be just as playful, responsible, and hard-working as he has always been. He may even cuddle with his wife, sit with her, and make sexual advances to her. He will do all of those things with a smile on his face, so to speak, but deep inside, he is miserable.

In this article, I hope to make women aware of how rejecting their husbands affects him and their marriage. Once aware of this, it is hoped that wives would not take their marriage relationship for granted and do what she can to meet the needs of her husband, which was promised one way or another on the wedding day. Also included in this article are some tips that both husbands and wives can use to improve their marriage, especially with regard to sex.

 

Article Perspective

Please note that I wrote this article from the perspective of the man, i.e., husband.  This article in no way suggests that men are the only ones who experience rejection from their wives.  Women, experience rejection from their husbands as well. However, as a man, I cannot effectively present a woman’s/wife’s perspective. So understand that this goes both ways even though I have presented this incredibly serious marital problem from a man’s perspective.

If you are a woman, then please feel free to email me your thoughts and perspective and how any of the points in this articles apply to women. Thanks.

Ways a Wife Rejects Her Husband

There are many ways that a wife may reject her husband and sometimes not be aware that she is doing it. This is one reason that communication between husband and wife is extremely important. Let me describe some of the ways that a wife may reject her husband.

  • She refuses to have sex with him. She may come up with a plethora of excuses for not having sex with her husband. However, without proper and honest communication, the husband will surely see this as an act of rejection.
  • She makes time to spend with the children, but not with her husband.  She engages with the children but leaves her husband to fend for himself. To the husband, this reveals the priority that she gives to him and their marriage.
  • She doesn’t initiate sex. Men want the wife to initiate sex sometimes. When the wife initiates sex, then that says to her husband that she desires him, making him feel wanted by her.
  • She doesn’t initiate intimate conversations. Intimate conversation is a way that a husband and wife can bond to each other. If the wife does not initiate intimate conversations with her husband, then he is likely to believe that she is uninterested in him as a person. He may begin to think that his role in the marriage is to for home maintenance and lawn care, so to speak.
  • She doesn’t engage with her husband when he brings up a subject.  Sometimes men “feel the waters” to see if it is safe to discuss something with their wives. If she seems interested in what he has to say, then he may continue. If she does not engage, then he may not pursue the conversation and assume that she is not interested. If this happens consistently, then he will likely feel that she isn’t interested in him.
  • She is busy with everything else but does not make time for her husband. This is another priority perception by the husband. If his wife can find time for so many other things but does not find time for him, then he will begin to think that she doesn’t care about him or the marriage. Her objective for marriage was to have children in a way to satisfy her morals, to have a man around, etc. He will perceive that he is only functional to her, and not intimate.
  • She consistently seems to prefer social media or television than talking with her husband. This is really a special case of priorities.  People tend to be busy with many things like their jobs, household responsibilities, children, etc. That means that each minute of each day is extremely valuable. If a wife does not engage her husband when he comes to her but instead continues with social media or television, then he will think that FaceBook is more important than him. Now of course, I am referring to a consistent behavior, not a single instance.

No one wants to be consistently rejected, especially a husband by his wife. Men expect to have sex with their wives, and it is not merely to satisfy the stereotypical animal instinct. Sex is like a carrier signal for emotional connection to a man. We express intimacy, desire, love, passion, and so many other things through sex with our wives. If a woman consistently rejects her husband’s sexual advances, then in his mind, she is rejecting him.

 

The Consequences of Rejection

How does consistent rejection effect the husband?  What are the consequences of the marriage for the husband being repeatedly rejected for months and years? Let me be clear here. Men suffer when their wives constantly reject him, especially sexually. Men have feelings, emotional needs, and fundamental expectations of his wife. He surely does not expect to be pushed away after the wedding day. He entered into the relationship and committed to it so that he and his wife would trek through life and do great things together. When his wife stonewalls him sexually or intimately in general, then his whole world starts to crumble in on him and the dreams of love and life with his wife start to go up in smoke.

Of course, with any human, if you start being hurt by something, then you tend to avoid that something.This means that there are consequences to the marriage if the wife consistently rejects her husband. Perhaps women are not aware of the effects of rejecting her husband. I hope in this section to reveal those effects. These do not just affect him, but will eventually affect the children, the household, the marriage, and any other thing that he may be involved in.

Loss of Love and Affection

When you refuse or neglect to have sex with your husband regularly, then the husband will begin to internalize it and assume that you do not love him.  To a man, sex and love from his wife go hand in hand.  Sex is more than a physical act, but rather a joining of husband and wife in a most intimate manner.  A man who regularly has sex with his wife (especially when she initiates it) receives that as an expression of her love and desire for him.  If sex is lacking, then the husband will soon start pulling away from his wife.

He pulls away from you because he starts to realize (assume) that you do not love him, you do not desire him, and he isn’t worth you being intimate with him.  A wife who refuses to have sex with her husband is rejecting her husband and he will interpret it like that. To him, intimacy will become non-existence even though you, the wife, may cuddle, kiss him, tell him you love him, and all the other things that you think are intimate.  I heard it said once with regards to husbands and sex, “No sex.  No love.”

Eventually, his love for you will wane.  If a sexless marriage persists, then a loveless marriage will camp out in the relationship so to speak.  He will begin to lose interest in you, not want to be with you, and even in many respects, see you as a burden.  Since the intimacy is gone, then you and your husband become roommates, which is akin to a girl telling a guy, “I just want to be friends.”  A husband wants a wife, not a roommate.  He wants to have intimate relations with his wife, i.e., via sex.  He wants to know that he is loved, desired, and appreciated. Without sex, all of those things fall apart, and so does the marriage.

 

Loss of Friendship

Friends hang out together.  A husband wants his wife to be his friend, a safe person to open his heart to.  If he is rejected, then that bond erodes.  A husband wants his wife to find interest in some of the things that he is interested in.  He wants for his wife to hang out with him.  For example, a husband would be touched in a big way if his wife accompanies him while he is exercising at home, even if she just sits and watches him.  If a wife shows no interest in being with her husband in casual situations, then he is going to feel unwanted and uninteresting to his wife.  This will translate into him pulling away because, in his mind, she isn’t with him anyway.

Of course, this will manifest into the husband not hanging out with the wife eventually.  He may continue to hang out with his wife at times to keep the peace or in hopes of her reciprocating.  However, if she has nothing much to do with him, then he will begin to pull away from casually hanging out with his wife.  Doing things that she wants to do or going places with her that she likes will become a burden and a chore instead of an opportunity to be together.

 

Loss of Respect

Wives.  Respect for your husband is extremely important to him.  If you reject him, then you also disrespect him.  When you disrespect your husband, you are in essence telling him that you do not value him, his knowledge, experience, wisdom, etc.  You are relaying the dangerous message that his views, thoughts, efforts, and more are unimportant to you.  This not only affects his ego, but it also affects his perception of his value to you and the relationship, which will affect how he interacts with his wife, children, and more.

If a husband feels unvalued by his wife, then that will manifest in the marriage as mutual disrespect.  Lots of bad things can happen in the marriage if the husband feels disrespected and of no value to his wife.  He may seek that attention from others, perhaps even another woman. He may also express his frustration through physical or emotional abuse of his wife. Basically, he may stop caring about his wife or anything tied to the marriage because it is giving him so much pain.

 

The pursuit of Acceptance Elsewhere

A husband may seek acceptance from outside of the marriage if his wife continues to reject him.  This is when very bad things can happen in the marriage, especially if the “elsewhere” is another woman. A husband may begin to feel something is wrong with him when his wife consistently rejects him.  However, his spirits can be lifted if another woman finds him desirable and accepts him.  We all want to be accepted, loved, and desired.  When a husband does not receive those from his wife, then quite possibly, another woman may provide that for him, and he may justify his being with the other woman as a means of saving his troubled marriage.

Being accepted elsewhere may also come as acceptance on his job, church, or another gathering where people give him a sense of value as a person.  Being accepted outside of his marriage will cause the husband to pull away from his wife and move towards the source of acceptance.  Therefore, it is very important that wives do not persist in rejecting their husbands.

 

Depression

A husband may begin to feel depressed because the rejection from his wife is interpreted as something being wrong with him.  He may think that perhaps he is a failure, can’t please his wife, there is something wrong with him romantically or sexually and his wife simply responds by rejecting him.  This results in him pulling away from his wife, the perceived source of his depression.

The unfortunate thing about his depression is that it may further fuel his wife’s disinterest in him, which makes him feel even worse as time goes by. Depression may affect other areas of his life and slowly destroy him and subsequently, his marriage. Depression may also influence him to do things that he otherwise would not do.  He may start drinking, taking drugs, engaging in pornography, or worse of all, seek the companionship and affection of another woman.

 

Frustration and Anger

Husbands have needs just like the wife has needs.  Husbands have a need to be accepted, desired, loved, respected, and appreciated among other things.  If he doesn’t get those from his wife and begins to feel bad about himself or his marriage, then he may become frustrated and angry at his wife and marriage in general, especially if he has been trying to make things right with little to no response from his wife.  Anger in this regard is a secondary emotion.  He isn’t angry about being rejected, but rather, he is angry about the way his wife makes him feel by the rejection.

The husband’s frustration can lead him down a path that he should not be on.  It will eventually cause resentment to germinate, which we will discuss next. He may do almost anything to get out of his frustration, which could get him in a lot of trouble. Eventually, he will distance himself from his wife to lessen his frustration and the other ill effects of being rejected by his wife.

 

Indifference and Resentment

A man will become indifferent about his marriage and resentful towards his wife.  He may start thinking that his life would have been much better (happier) if he had married someone else or not gotten married at all, especially to his rejecting wife.  He will continue to pull away from his wife and the marriage by not trying to reconcile any longer.  He may accept the condition of his marriage, or he may seek satisfaction elsewhere as his wife continues to reject him over many years.

The marriage is in lots of trouble once the husband gets to a state of indifference and resentment because he is being rejected over a long period of time.  This entire scenario is exacerbated if the wife doesn’t communicate or try to reconcile things with her husband, and even more if he had been trying to establish a happy marriage.

Resentment is the silent killer of any relationship. Resentment means that someone has been offended and that offense remains. A husband can slowly start to resent his wife, the kids, her job, etc. if they are, in his mind, the cause of the offense. This will transform his behavior to such an extent that it could fuel problems in the marriage without seeking resolution.  Eventually, he may simply give up on his marriage and seek happiness or fulfillment elsewhere.

 

Loss of Commitment

If a wife rejects her husband consistently for years, then he will eventually lose commitment to the marriage.  This is a very bad condition for him to be in because it opens the doors to a plethora of further damaging things for the marriage. A loss of commitment comes along with it emotional separation. He becomes like a free agent or a free electron looking to be connected to another.  He is no longer interested in pursuing an intimate relationship with his wife. They may get along functionally, i.e., he does his household duties and she does hers, but the intimacy has long gone.

The loss of commitment to his wife will propel him into an arena of rejecting her. The wife may notice that he periodically becomes distant to her and he doesn’t touch her sensually like he used to. For example, he may walk past her if she is standing in their bedroom in panties and a bra, whereas in the past he would have been all over her touching and feeling her. Now, a wife should realize that his seeming disinterest in her may not be that at all.  He may very well be very interested in his wife sexually.  However, since he has been rejected so much, he has learned to take steps to protect himself.  Instead of caressing her and feeling her sensually while she is in her panties and bra, he instead takes a path to protect himself because he thinks that he will eventually be rejected, i.e., his wife will not respond to his advances. Basically, he seemingly shows disinterest in his wife because he wants to avoid the pain that he expects later.

In any case, if the husband is rejected for a long period of time, then he begins to no longer care about a happy marriage with his current wife.  He may start thinking of finding another woman that would meet his emotional and perhaps sexual needs. His lack of commitment could easily lead to infidelity, porn, or complete emotional separation from his wife.  This could in turn lead to a desire for permanent separation, i.e., divorce. He may feel as though he would have better luck with someone else.

Loss of commitment means that he has given up on his marriage. His wife keeps rejecting him, so he thinks she doesn’t want him. Eventually, the resulting pain and resentment cause him to reject her and his marriage. Unless something drastic happens, the marriage at this point is over–even if they don’t get divorced.  They will be two coworkers doing their jobs in Household, Inc.

 

 Infidelity

Sex in marriage is very important to a man (as it with a woman). Some men do not have a moral standard or self-control after a point is reached from being rejected by his wife over time. A marriage may go 10, 20, or 30 years before he “cracks” and gives up. In some cases, he may even reason that finding another woman to meet his sexual needs will help him deal with the constant rejection of his wife. The end result is the man cheats on his wife.

The thrill of having a woman that seems to care about him, respect him, and most of all, desires to have sex with him can be irresistible. He’ll find reasons to be away from his wife to be with another woman. His behavior will start to change at home. He may seem to be happier all of a sudden, but deep inside he regrets having to come home to be with the big disappointment and pain in his life.

Cheating on his wife may bring a certain level of satisfaction, happiness, and fulfillment with regard to being accepted by another woman.  However, it also brings on a plethora of psychological problems depending on his moral compass. He may start to feel guilty about cheating on his wife, but at the same time is unable to stop because of the pleasure he gets from another (that he really wants from his wife). This turmoil could cause all kinds of new problems in the marriage and surely exacerbate the problem that already exists.

 

Divorce

I’m going to define two kinds of divorce: local divorce and separation divorce. First, divorce means to terminate or dissolve a marriage legally. The end result of a divorce is the separation of husband and wife so that they no longer form a union of marriage. However, there are some men who do not legally divorce their wives but are just as psychologically separated so to speak. Some men believe that divorce is not an option for a bad marriage unless certain conditions are met. The Bible reveals that it was never God’s intention for people to divorce (Matthew 19:1-9). So, some men will stick around even in a marriage that is unfulfilling, frustrating, etc. That situation is what I call “local divorce.” He is mentally and emotionally separated from his wife, but they live in the same house and share resources. They have become the ultimate cellmates.

Separation divorce is the normal divorce process that we are familiar with.  It is when a husband and wife end their marriage through the legal system. They may divide assets and go on to live separate lives (depending on if there are children). Divorce may have a negative psychological impact on both husband and wife and especially the children. However, there are times when divorce works out for both, especially in an abusive or manipulative one.

The Solution

The solution is simple.  Wives.  Do not constantly reject your husband.  Don’t withhold sex from your husband because that is very damaging to him and the marriage.  Don’t disrespect him or minimize his ideas, goals, and plans.  Be with him instead of against him.  Do not prioritize other things over your relationship with your husband.  The two of you should have regular date nights, regular sex, regular fun, regular Bible study and prayer, regular conversations, and much more. A married couple should be together, and rejection is a major opponent of that.  Wives.  Don’t reject your husband.  Talk to your husband and ensure that you spend time and energy to nurture your relationship and to keep it going towards happiness.

I am in no way suggesting that wives should blindly and robotic ally have sex with their husbands whenever he wants it (or vice versa). A wife’s disinterest in having sex with her husband is very real to her and should not be overlooked or taken for granted. However, realize that we all have to sometimes do what we don’t feel like in an effort to obtain the ultimate goal. If it is very difficult to fathom the idea of having even occasional “sacrificial” sex with your husband, then work on resolving the reasons why as soon as possible.  A wife should not withhold sex from her husband, but at the same time, she should not become her husband’s sex slave.

Husbands.  Don’t give up on your marriage.  Keep trying to make things better. Educate yourself and talk to your wife about how you feel without being condemning or confrontational.  The goal is always to obtain a happy marriage.  Work together to make things right. Furthermore, improve yourself.  Perhaps your wife is rejecting you because of something you have been doing.  Do you practice good hygiene, good grooming, etc.? Are you oppressing your wife or otherwise making her feel bad causing her to avoid you? These are things that you should consider and not simply put the blame on your wife.  Your wife is human and she has feelings. You need to make sure that she is not responding to something you are doing because you can fix you.

it is also very important that husbands be honest and open with their wives. A husband may find that his wife is responding to something he does or a particular behavior.  She may be misinterpreting something or looking for something from him that he does not provide.  It is possible that the wife felt rejected first and she is only responding by pulling away from you. Talking to each other in an honest and respectful manner will help expose these types of things and make it a pleasure to resolve. Many relationships are destroyed because of misunderstandings coupled with the lack of pursuing a solution.  If both husband and wife merely respond to each other without saying something about it, then the marriage has little hope to move to happiness.

The husband and wife should seek God’s wisdom with regard to any issues in the marriage. This is very important because it will help both husbands and wives to see things that their pain may blind them to. Always have God involved in your marriage if you really want it to succeed.  Pray together as you pursue truly being together. You might even try reading and discussing Scripture together. The things that bring you together are good things for your marriage.

The bottom line is that husbands and wives should always pursue a happy marriage together and resolve any issues that may hinder that objective.

 Other Considerations

We should consider the reasons why wives reject their husbands and the conditions on her side of the equations that may make it appear that she is rejecting him. A wife may appear to be rejecting her husband, especially sexually, when in fact there may be other things going on with her and she is merely responding to them. Here are some things to consider.

She is Protecting Herself

What if a man’s wife had bad experiences with men or even her father that causes her to be on the defensive as a matter of course, which transfers over to her marriage. She may not realize she is doing it because she has developed that protective behavior long ago. She never brought the situation with her husband while they were dating because of the pain it causes her. She wants to try to forget it. However, she doesn’t realize the influence that her experiences with men in the past has on her relationship now. The unknowing husband may think she is rejecting him.

Once again, communications and understanding are ways to deal with this situation, especially before the wedding day. This is especially critical for those who abstain before marriage. The man may think his mate is avoiding sex because she is practicing abstinence and therefore anticipates sex when they are married. Be upfront about yourself with your mate before and after the wedding day. This will help to avoid conflicts that may arise because of misunderstandings and ignorance.

She Has No Interest In Sex

It is possible that the wife may have little to no interest in sex for many reasons, one of which was described above. She may be asexual, experience pain with sex, been raped, and is psychologically averse to sex. Whatever the reason, she may not be rejecting her husband sexually. She is simply not interested in sex.

Again, open and honest conversations are important before and after the wedding day, especially before. It is quite normal for a man and a woman to expect sex. Therefore, if the wife avoids having sex with her husband, then he will think that she is rejecting him, which can lead to all kinds of problems in the relationship. If the husband too is not interested in sex, then sex will not be a significant factor in the marriage and therefore becomes a moot point.

She Was Taught Sex is Bad

What happens when a woman is taught from her youth that sex is a bad thing. I’ve heven heard teachings in church claiming that sex was the original sin between Adam and Eve. Therefore, if the wife believes that sex is bad from a religious perspective, then she will naturally avoid it.

The problem is that the husband won’t realize this in most cases. For one thing, it is most probable that he will realize his mate is religious and that is why she avoided sex before the wedding day. However, after the wedding, he will expect to have sex with his wife. If there were no prior conversations about this topic, then he will be blindsided by something that is very important to him.  Not only will he feel rejected, but he will also feel betrayed.

Therefore, men should be aware that sexual avoidance by their wives does not necessarily mean that she is rejecting him, but that there may be othe rfactors contributing to the situation. Be hones with each other and talk about it.

Read the converse article:
The Consequences of Husbands Rejecting Their Wives

Read the follow-up article:
My Wife Constantly Rejects Me.